On Human Nature, or What To Do If You’re Pimp-Slapped

Let’s imagine that in a galaxy far, far away there exists an advanced and inquisitive race of aliens who discover Earth and then send an exploratory expedition to take a closer look and report back on their findings.

Arriving safely in our universe they station themselves as near to Earth as they need to be while keeping their presence concealed from us. 

They are delighted to find an abundance of life on Earth, and with great interest they study humans, far and away the most dominant species, and they do not despise man’s modest achievements. The visitors quickly determine that humans are divided into linguistic tribes, but that in spite of this barrier to communication and other innumerable tribal distinctions, many characteristics are so universal that our intrepid researchers classify them as ‘human nature’; those traits that all humans appear to possess and that are a part of their genetic inheritance, as opposed to changing cultural constructions.

They observe that, like many of the higher animals, the female human will continue to care for her offspring after birth until the offspring can care for itself, but that unlike the other species she never ceases to care for them during her lifetime, and her devotion remains self-sacrificial to the extreme.

The human male is equally unique amongst the animals for not only does his devotion to the long-term survival of his offspring often equal that of the female’s, he and said female will often form long-term associations with each other that may last the span of their lifetimes and be marked by extreme devotion.

Now amongst the crew (for lack of a better word) of our alien visitors there is an aspiring anthropologist who proposes and receives permission to conduct a specific experiment to better gauge the relationship between this ubiquitous human male and female bonded pair.  

This alien anthropologist will travel the Earth and identify 1,000 bonded pairs as they walk together publicly. Accepting Earth’s major geographic divisions and accounting for population distribution, our intrepid anthropologist will choose 300 couples scattered throughout Asia, 150 in Europe, 150 in North America, 150 in South America, 200 in Africa, and 50 in Australia/Oceania.

An advanced being indeed, our aspiring alien anthropologist will assume the form of a human male physically similar to the human pairs who will be the unwitting subjects of the experiment.

The experiment is simple. Our daring shapeshifting anthropologist, having taken human form, will approach the bonded pair and without further ado pimp-slap the female across the face, await the couple’s reaction, and record the results.

The experiment conducted, the summary of our alien anthropologist’s report reads as follows: Of the 1,000 bonded pairs tested, in an overwhelming majority of cases the male became agitated, assumed a defensive attitude or became highly aggressive, and the woman retreated behind her bonded male or took a subordinate role in their mutual defence.

What our alien observers have discovered is what all humans with a smattering of common sense understand innately – that the male human is by nature defensive of his woman, and the woman, by nature, expects his protection. What human would contend with such an obvious truth?

A man’s instinct to protect his woman, unlike his taste for country ham, is not a cultural construction. When he was a little-iddy-biddy thing his daddy didn’t set him on his knee and say ‘Junior! One day you’re likely to fall for some ol’ gal, buy a trailer, and stick her in it. Now listen! You aint supposed to let nobody pimp-slap her. If they do, you’re supposed to get real furious. You hear me, boy?”

No, this instinct isn’t taught. It’s just within man.

Likewise, when Lil’ Miss was thigh-high her mother didn’t gather her up, set her on her lap and say ‘Ok sugar. One day you’re likely to fall for some ol’ boy, move into his trailer, and fix it up real pretty. Now, should someone ever come up and pimp-slap you, you’re supposed to retreat behind your man for protection.’

No, this instinct isn’t taught. It’s just within woman.

What man, no matter how cowardly in his heart, would admit publicly that in the experiment described he would take to his heels as fast as he could? What woman, were her man to take to his heels, would not be heartbroken?

Likewise, what woman would say ‘It’s just not fair that every time I get pimp-slapped Elroy just jumps in front of me and starts puttin’ the whoopin’ on the pimp-slapper. When’s it gonna be my turn to throw down?”

No, this is human nature 101 and should not need to be pointed out. But in the toxic post-Feminist air that we have been choking on for generations, it is as necessary to point it out today as it was when the little boy cried out, ‘The King has no clothes!’

M.C. Atkins

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